Some Rules are Meant to be Broken

March 16, 2011

Well I never thought I would type these words.  I am a rules follower or rather I’m a rules maker so that I can follow them.  If a rule doesn’t exist for something, if there aren’t finite boundaries I don’t feel safe or comfortable so I make up rules.  If there isn’t a dress code for something I make one up.  I have made up fashion rules, shopping rules, spending rules, etc.  I know they are made up and I don’t try to impose any of these on other people, well sometimes I might TRY to impose them on Andrew.  One rule that I made up when I got married was no babies after 3o.  For some reason I just decided that I didn’t want to be pregnant after 30.  Well when I turned 25 and was in no mood to have a baby while moving to Austin, buying a house, and looking for jobs I had to have some serious introspection time.  I realized one day that Andrew was beginning to panic.  Not outwardly panicking, but I could see that he would get a little agitated when we would talk about our life timelines.  I was hanging out with God one day and I felt like he said, “Laura, you need to tell your husband that you are not going to be strict on your no babies after 30 rule.”  So I told him that and our conversations became much more calm.

This week I had a hysterical pregnancy…you know where you convince yourself that you are pregnant because things aren’t exactly on schedule. (sorry for the TMI)  I layed wide awake in bed last night for about an hour explaining to God all the reasons why I am not ready for a baby right now.  That’s when it was really confirmed for me that I just am not ready for this next phase of life.  I love being married to Andrew too much, I love our freedom, our time together, creating a home, getting involved in church stuff, and I’m not ready to share my love and time with a sweet little human being.  Someday I’ll be ready, I know that at my core is a momma.  I’ve always wanted to be a mom, I love to be around kids, but right now I’m super content to snuggle with a sweet little blondie that’s about to turn 2.  So I just want to state for the record that I MIGHT have to break my 30 rule…I mean I am still young and I have time to fulfill my wish, but if I don’t I won’t be crushed.

I remind myself that I’ve NEVER in my life talked to someone that has said, “man I wish I had had kids sooner.”

Perhaps my 25th year of life will be full of broken rules, I’ll keep you updated!

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